This isn’t easy for me to write. But it’s necessary. And important. A culture of feedback opens the door to personal growth, for both the one giving it and the one receiving it.
Receiving praise is easy. But receiving criticism, even when it’s constructive, isn’t.
Do you know what else isn’t easy? Being in the position of giving feedback. Knowing there’s a high chance you might hurt the person in front of you, no matter how carefully you choose your words.
My grandmother used to say: “One rotten apple spoils the whole basket.” And it’s true.
Last year, one colleague left our team. She had been with us for years. She wasn’t a bad person, but due to her own insecurities, she often communicated in a way that put others down, sometimes disguised as “jokes.” At times, those comments were even malicious.
The biggest problem was that she didn’t see it as a problem.
We talked about it multiple times. For me, the boundary was clear, disrespect, even in the form of jokes, has no place in healthy communication. But the pattern didn’t change. In communication, she had a strong need to be the loudest, the best - the “top” in everything, even when reality often said otherwise. The image she had of herself wasn’t accurate.
A mirror doesn’t always show us what we want to see, but it shows us what we need to see.
Somewhere along the way, her mirror lost its purpose. In conflict situations, the pattern was always the same: not listening to the other person and rushing to say everything on her mind, without thinking about the impact of her words.
And once words are spoken, there is no going back. They can be sharper than a blade.
When she left, the team, honestly, felt relief. The energy shifted. It became easier to breathe.
And that’s perhaps the hardest part of this story: the problem isn’t that someone makes mistakes, it’s that they don’t see them, or don’t want to. Because without that, there is no growth.
The most challenging part for me is giving feedback to people who don’t try to see. And it has nothing to do with age.
And she’s not the only example. I remember another colleague I mentioned in one of my earlier texts, the one who kept information to himself, unaware that it was harming the entire system. On the surface, their “mistakes” were different, but the root was the same: the inability to accept that their way isn’t the only right way.
The ego is often louder than reality. And this is where the line is drawn:
we can speak, we can try, we can hold up the mirror. But in the end, each person decides whether they are willing to look into it.
And whether they are willing to change.
Because one rotten apple really can spoil the whole basket.
And if we don’t recognize it in time, the problem is no longer one apple, but the entire basket.
Perhaps the hardest part of all is accepting that we cannot grow on behalf of others. But we can choose to be honest. And not to look away when we see something that isn’t right.
Because that is where every healthy feedback culture begins.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you had to “remove the apple” for the sake of the team?
How did it feel to be in that role?
“Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots.” Frank A. Clark
#TheInnerStructure — #FeedbackCulture — #LeadershipRealities #RottenApple — #EgoVsReality — #NoirLeadership